Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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