listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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