yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
