Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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