how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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