She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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