the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
