Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
