Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
