I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Dicks are not precious.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
