you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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