He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
