So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
