her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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