i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
