How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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