i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
