Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
sarcasm needs its own font
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
