You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
