I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
