just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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