Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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