I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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