Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
