if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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