Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
