Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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