he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize