this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
