no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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