Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
