Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
