went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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