I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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