dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
