if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
