Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
