just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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