Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
