I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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