The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I see more hoeing in ur future
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
