I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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