we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize