True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
