The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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