Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
