Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
