I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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