Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
