does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
