if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I had to cum in my sink.
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