I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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