apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
