I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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