3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
