If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
