The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wear drunk well.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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