U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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