I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
