I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
there is glitter all over my balls
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