You can't special order awesome
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
