Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
