he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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