When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My ATM looks so different sober.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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