Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
