I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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