Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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