I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
