i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
