Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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