woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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