How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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