toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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