If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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