i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
