remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
