Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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